Enter my home, take a round about, take a look at the walls and you will find pieces of paper taped onto them, all of which say "Mom is Hipocrite", and underneath those words "Mom is Hipokrita". You will also notice the phrase written along the sides of some of the garbages??
I myself was confused about the whole thing really. The handwriting looked familiar. As guessed correctly, it belonged to my mother. I asked her what this was all about, and she replied vaguely, that someone had called her a hipocrite, but refused to say who. I made a guess, and I was correct. She assumed a meaning for the word, but didn't quite understand it's proper meaning, all she knew was that it wasn't a word of praise, nor a word that expressed love, as it certainly was not received well. I explained to her the definition and warmed her with my views on the word hypocrite. I said at some point, we all are victims of our own procrastination, and we certainly all in this lifetime experienced wrongdoing, and continue for some of us, we continue to do what is deemed as wrong despite being well aware of the liklihood of arriving at the same shameful results that we swore never to revist again. I asked myself could this be true about my mother? It is possible, but in what context? I feel as though the act does not necessarily define that person, and so though she may have or may do hipocritical things, it is not a word that I would choose to describe her as a person. I also asked myself, could this be that my father is looking for someone to blame, could it be that because he seemingly refuses to reach deep into himself, that he is projecting his anguish and fears and spewing them out unto his surroundings, blaming others for his suffering. Who knows? Communication is key, yet we are all still walking passed each other in a tight conjested space wondering why the doors that may lead us to a larger room to breathe, are still locked.
Name calling seems to be a common act of expressing ones feelings this month..
Pumpernickel:
a coarse, dark, slightly sour bread made of unbolted rye.
Origin:
1750–60; < G Pumpernickel orig., an opprobrious name for anyone considered disagreeable, equiv. to pumper(n) to break wind + Nickel hypocoristic from of Nikolaus Nicholas (cf. nickel ); presumably applied to the bread from its effect on the digestive system
n. A dark, sourish bread made from whole, coarsely ground rye.
[German, probably from dialectal, term of abuse : obsolete Pumper, breaking wind (from dialectal pumpern, to break wind, from Middle High German, to knock, frequentative of pumpen, of imitative origin) + German Nickel, goblin; see nickel.]
"dark rye bread," 1756, from Ger. (Westphalian dialect) Pumpernickel (1663), originally an abusive nickname for a stupid person, from pumpern "to break wind" + Nickel "goblin, lout, rascal," from proper name Niklaus. An earlier Ger. name for it was krankbrot, lit. "sick-bread."
I asked myself, What does it mean? Like my mother, I didn't know the given definition, but intuition gave me a slight hint that it wasn't intended to be a compliment. The definition that sticks with me the most is: "originally an abusive nickname for a stupid person".
While the humour may have entered on one end, confusion had entered on another. I asked myself what did I deserve to be called this? moreover, what did I not do?
Absence; it seems the more it carries on, the more the liklihood of assumptions to come in between, and that is not healthy. Perhaps this is why the bread has turned black for you?
If you recall our heart to heart talk that one night inside the bus stop, when you told me what you told your sister..it partly true, and partly unsure..that I was longing for a partner.. the partly unsure bit come from many places. it comes from my refusal to take away any other person's freedom. freedom to choose. freedom to travel. freedom to love whomever or whatever..the unsure bit also comes from my own freedom, it is with that, that I had said..."I understand you"
and as explained before..the partly true, comes from my dream. i like to think that it also comes from years and years of conditioning, of not only my parents era of traditional romance, but years and years before their time when honour and respect for a partner still existed. As dave chappelle said, chilvary is dead..but I ask who made dave chappelle god? and who is to say that that statement is true on all accounts, who is to say that is relevant and true for everyone.
In between one night stand fuckers, and bored couples who belong to crumbling marriages where divorce is considered a taboo, I find myself scratcing my head, (sometimes both) sorry bad joke..wondering what it is I am really looking for? What is definite here?
I met an interesting man who said that when we define something, it becomes the end of questioning. now what does that mean if we relate it to titles such as boyfriend, girlfiend. husband wife, married..blah blah..Maybe in some ways its saying there is no more need for questioning, no more need for looking, because we've found our definition of love?
But the reality that I like to believe in, sees that we are redefining ourselves everyday, as we grow, we change, and we take on these new findings that shape us a little bit differently than yesterdays mold. Maybe I am getting a little too deep into it, but that has always been me. I haven't lived enough to know what true love means, and maybe I will never..maybe it will always be a question for me. I can only define with what was and is exposed to me. Another thing that this man had said to me..is that because we will always question, and it is so difficult to find an ends to the means of mysterious things (like love) it is hard to determine what is logical...for all I know he could be incorrect..but I like to agree that intuition is a great thing, and I feel that listening and paying attention to inuition will communicate with our logic and thus...maybe not give us a clear definition of things, but come pretty damn close to making sense
she will always be wonderful, or always full of wonder..which means I can never have her..or own her? and that is perfectly fine, because I do not wish to carry any weight other than my own. Who knows..maybe one day...eye WILL stop questioning..but that will not mean that it will be the end of paying attention.
whatever the fuck that means!!
