Knock! Knock...

After every single trial,
and every single failed attempt
to invite you back in ...
eye have finally summoned SOME strength
to place my frozen hands
upon this back door ,
and just SHUT IT!
-but-but-BUT IT'S..hard
yes i'll admit it, it's hard...
my cold hands tremble at the same pace
as my mind races back to moments of ..
unexpected '4 in the morning' visits where
eye would show up sleeping
on the welcome mat of your front porch
beside your beloved wildstyle cat Jelly
where he would whisper non sensical things to me like ...
"meeeeeeeeeeoooooooooow"
as eye...

would dose off (zzzzzzzzzzzoe)
into my dreamworld picturing myself
reciting thousand word love poems
while laying there beside you
[ and not your cat ]
...It's moments like that
that have my hands
stuck to this door like crazy Glue
even with new faces coming through
the entrance way asking me to lend a hand
I just can't seem to move
...eye am stuck to you..
and now..in the midst of my relapse
self proclaimed friends scream

like mad basketball coaches
from the basement of my home
telling me to Wake UP!
saying such things like
"there is no such thing as love"
"Get over it"

"close the door!"
or "pick up your damn paintbrush!"
"Theres more fish in the sea"
"let it go"

"oh just let it be"
"this ain't slumdog millionare
There is no such thing as destiny!!"
...My trembling hands curl into fists
as eye screen more calls

and then release...

back to open palms,

CALM.. as eye drift off

to "hi la-la!!"-land
where I'm reminiscent of..
home made cookies,
grocery lists,
school textbooks,
boxes full of old compact discs
african heritage,
rumble fish
and bruce lee as a kid,
sweet kisses,
warm showers,
cuddling,
studying
and chuckling

..at that funny chinese kid
with the big bag of chips .
meditation,
ginseng tea
heart to heart talks by the river
and fun, climbing on trees (like mountain goats!!)
yes, I reminisce..
of quiet bike rides through parks
after dark
fat markers
aerosol cans
and street art
organized konfusion,
AIR
line dancing ,
breakin',
requests to cut your hair,
and reasons not to,
21 candles,
clothes,
and so much more unecessary

(not as important as what was inside)

-materialistic things

-eye bought you
yes I reminisce ..

of that,

that,

that,

(that too!)

..and this..
of memories that make my finger,
between the ring and middle
-twitch
all this while eye wonder ..
why these pieces didn't ever fit?

Perhaps my home wasn't a safe place to stay??

maybe i'm worth nothing but a visit

...whatever the case...

EYE KNOW

I've got a lot of cleaning to do

but so do you..

..

you've been gone for some time now

doing what you say you MUST do

living "a life of you own"

the way you ought to

(but eye don't know if eye should trust you)

either way what I say doesn't seem to go through

so who am eye to argue?

eye guess theres nothing left

for me to say to you

-but this..

wherever you at.

Paix et Lumiere et Amour,

eye wish you safe travels

(even if you wish me the opposite)

my hand is on the knob...

..and im closing this door..

but in case you ever come back..

just know..

eye am NOT locking it..