Dream

I had a dream that I went to vancouver to perform to a sold out show with my comrades, but was restricted in what songs to perform. I had a dream that my old graphic design students were there too, and they were all in to see beyonce? unfortunately their show was happening at the same time my performance was.. those graphic design students weren't all that welcoming either, I felt at home on the other side, but I still felt like I was restricted..

the night before I was running around the city not sure where to go. My indecisions led to closed doors, unecessary drinking, and more ill thoughts..i stopped at cafe 22 to write about my night, and honestly It was the best thing ever..it was peaceful..

it seems that ive lost directoin in life..and maybe thats the influence this free-range "relationship" (if thats what you want to call it).has on me. Freedom is a scary thing as I am coming to realize. but it can be more enjoyable at times.

I relate it to fine arts vs graphic design, where in fine arts, we can splash paint around and make a mess, and be able to say "thats art!", whereas in design, theres a plan, theres structure, theres do's and donts, theres direction.. With this 'relationships' (i dont know what to call it, because she doesn't want a label, which I totally understand),

maybe its me? wanting to hold something forever, and why wouldnt I want that...it seems like it would be the nicest thing ever, but thats not reality either..we are long passed the days of fixed courting...we can choose to come and go as we please..which in a way is an easy way out, it shoes lack of commitment.. its like..well if this doesn't work, I'll just go the next one, and the next one, and the next one...it just aint worth it to jump from one to the next..

it would be nice to have someone in the same circle too, so then I dont feel like I have to go out of myself to please someone..it cant be love if im leaving my circle..
I must stay within the boundaries of my own self love in order to rightfully share..thats how I'll know if they're right for me.

So for now, Im taking back some eggs, and holding them..Im going to stick around and try to enjoy this one day at a time, but if theres more downs than ups...im out, and sharing my eggs with someone who will appreciate it far more..

but im there yet, she deserves a fair chance. but if she plays with me...she gets cut off completely..I hate players, but I wont fight.. karma will get them back.. I only hope for the best.

one day a time..

learning to love